A feminist's half life

A friend messaged asking if I appreciate dark humour. I didn’t know what to say. That is the thing
about turning middle aged without being prepared for it. I do not know how I feel about the things I
previously appreciated. Other day I realised many of the FRIENDS jokes are bit offending. The
character portrayal is a little messed up too. And I am someone who can talk FRIENDS. Amongst all
this philosophy about age and humour, I messaged back saying I appreciate it if it isn’t too
gruesome. In return I received a joke on feminism. From equality to women empowerment to
feminism, the movement has always been laughed at and ridiculed. From witch burning to outright
opposition and now ‘innocent’ jokes, we have certainly come quite far. And there are people who
think we have crossed the line and littered away. You would think that this would come from men.
Not entirely true.

I am a financially independent woman who was privileged to be born in a family which has common
sense. This meant that I was treated as a human being first and a female later. It also meant that I
got married in a family which has common sense. So my life is easy. What do I have to complain
about? As one acquaintance said this year “you have a supportive husband. Why do YOU need
feminism?”

Well for starters, in the beginning of previous year I was told by an office senior while asking for reference that the way for
being financial independent for me might be to ‘shop less’ and if my husband can support me, do I
really need a job. A Stanford graduate who held a VP position in a high ranked MNC. I will keep it
gender neutral just to be less biased. How exactly having a supportive husband stopped a jerk from
passing on such advice to me?

It did not stop an acquaintance from passing a comment saying “housekeeping is a woman’s job.” In
his defence he was drunk. And jerk. Basically just jerk. You are in my house, eating the food I
prepared, drinking the wine I bought, enjoying the party I have thrown. Least you can do is be
respectful and try not to offend everyone I have invited. The same guy had an argument with my
husband stating how he supports feminism. Apparently how his mother was deprived of chances in
life is the end of feminism. Amusingly this concept does not trickle down for his wife.

Not going away from home, I am married in a family with moderate values and progressive
approach. They consider me a smart, sensible and good natured woman. They love me like one loves
their daughter in law. Fair enough! Even then, if I had a penny for each time I was judged (praised or
criticised) for anything related to housekeeping, I could already afford the Louise Vuitton I have been
eyeing. To be honest, I have included my extended family in the list.  There were times I
wished someone could see beyond my cooking and my introvert nature (I am not as chirpy and
social after the gatherings disperse.). If I live with you 24*7, I cannot always be the fireball of energy
I was when I met you first. How is it acceptable for a guy to be tactless and unsocial whereas a girl is
always expected to be calm, composed and nothing less than ideal?

Drawing the circle even closer, I do not feel being treated equally by my parents. And it is totally
opposite to the complaints you hear usually. My parents gave me good education and equal
opportunities in every field. I had the freedom to choose my life partner. Everything about them
screams out ‘cool’. But why do they have to feel indebted if I get them a gift? I don’t think they
would have felt so burdened if one of my brothers were doing it for them. I do it for my husband’s
parents all the time and I never see them being anything but happy about how good I am doing or
how thoughtful I am. Why can my parents not feel only the same?

For the same reason why my parents-in- law cannot treat me like a daughter. All these important
people will stay at arm’s length from me (figuratively) because they are programmed like that. I
do not mind the jerks mentioned earlier staying completely out of my life; sadly I do not get to
choose. I am not even talking about the bigger issues in life. And certainly I have not mentioned all
that I come across. But you see, a strong, independent woman with supportive husband needs
feminism too. Because even for a privileged woman it always is a half-life.

Coming back to the joke, how many feminists does it take to change the light bulb? None, because
who cares about the light bulb. Changing the mindset of the society is more important.